Simon’s X Factor plan smells strictly of success

You might not have noticed but Simon Cowell’s been in the news a little lately, talking about the future of The X Factor. Ah, The X Factor… Now, I don’t want to sound like some tragic Brexiteer nostalgist but there was a time, in the not too distant past, when The X Factor was #GreatTV. A time when families up and down the land would gather round the TV of a Saturday night, desperate to know what Leona would be singing, what Wagner would be wearing and which contestant judge Louis Walsh would compare to “a little Lenny Henry”. 

Sadly, that time is long gone. Last year’s X Factor averaged ratings of just 5 million per episode, a far cry from the staggering 17 million it achieved during its 2010 zenith – aka the year One Direction only managed to finish third, the big losers. Tellingly, no one remembers who actually won last year’s series. Not even last year’s winner.

There are many reasons for the show’s decline, too many to speculate on here. But it surely didn’t help that the 2018 judging panel included Robbie Williams, alongside Robbie Williams’ wife. What was Simon Cowell thinking? Imagine putting someone with no musical credibility whatsoever on the panel, alongside Robbie Williams’ wife. 

Crucially, The X Factor’s dip in fortunes has meant that, for the last few years, it’s been obliterated in the ratings by its Saturday night rival Strictly Come Dancing. It genuinely must have hurt Simon that viewers* were turning their backs on his show. It must have stung to know that the nation would rather watch someone from Casualty do Contemporary than listen to him get the basics of percentages so badly wrong on a weekly basis. 

One thing’s clear, however: Simon is one million per cent not a quitter (apart from the time he quit so he could launch The X Factor in the US, installing Gary Barlow as his replacement on the panel and effectively heralding the show’s decline). Ok, so Simon’s sometimes a quitter – but this isn’t one of those times, right? He may be stuck in a rut fashion-wise – those deep Vs and tent-like, super-confusing men’s boyfriend jeans now appear to have actually become his top layer of skin – but it’s clear he’s not afraid to shake up his show to entice viewers* to return. 

So, what’s Simon’s latest genius idea to give The X Factor its, erm, X factor back? How does he plan to wrestle the Saturday night crown from Strictly’s spray-tanned hands? Simple: by turning The X Factor into Strictly Come Singing. Because, let’s not kid anyone, that’s exactly what his heavily rumoured celebrity version of The X Factor is. 

And do you know what? It might just work. Ok, he busted that move once before, in 2006, and it wasn’t a hit – but back then the main show was in its prime, so a spin off starring such legends as Chris Moyles, Gillian McKeith and James Hewitt was unnecessary. Now, the situation is critical, The X Factor has all but expired. 

One of the reasons The X Factor originally succeeded was because it was all about the singers. Back in 2004, few people really cared who those three so called experts (Cowell, Walsh and Sharon Osbourne) on the panel actually were. It didn’t matter. What mattered was the talented unknown singers and their passionate performances. 

But then Simon started getting greedy, adding judges – established, talented pop stars, and Cheryl Cole – and engineering feuds and fallouts on the panel. Inevitably attention started to stray from the contestants. And you know what? The moment the press starts speculating on what outfits the judges will be wearing (Simon not included: deep Vs etc), and not the contestants, you know the jig’s up. 

But, if Simon manages to book the right celebrity line up then the attention could once again turn to those screeching away on stage, rather than the four or five, or perhaps even six, ego maniacs sat out front on the judging panel. 

And then – (Leonard Cohen’s) hallelujah – the viewers* will ditch the dance floor and surely come flooding back. 

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