Time

Simon’s X Factor plan smells strictly of success

You might not have noticed but Simon Cowell’s been in the news a little lately, talking about the future of The X Factor. Ah, The X Factor… Now, I don’t want to sound like some tragic Brexiteer nostalgist but there was a time, in the not too distant past, when The X Factor was #GreatTV. A time when families up and down the land would gather round the TV of a Saturday night, desperate to know what Leona would be singing, what Wagner would be wearing and which contestant judge Louis Walsh would compare to “a little Lenny Henry”. 

Sadly, that time is long gone. Last year’s X Factor averaged ratings of just 5 million per episode, a far cry from the staggering 17 million it achieved during its 2010 zenith – aka the year One Direction only managed to finish third, the big losers. Tellingly, no one remembers who actually won last year’s series. Not even last year’s winner.

There are many reasons for the show’s decline, too many to speculate on here. But it surely didn’t help that the 2018 judging panel included Robbie Williams, alongside Robbie Williams’ wife. What was Simon Cowell thinking? Imagine putting someone with no musical credibility whatsoever on the panel, alongside Robbie Williams’ wife. 

The 2018 judging line up… inspiring stuff

Crucially, The X Factor’s dip in fortunes has meant that, for the last few years, it’s been obliterated in the ratings by its Saturday night rival Strictly Come Dancing. It genuinely must have hurt Simon that viewers* were turning their backs on his show. It must have stung to know that the nation would rather watch someone from Casualty do Contemporary than listen to him get the basics of percentages so badly wrong on a weekly basis. 

One thing’s clear, however: Simon is one million per cent not a quitter (apart from the time he quit so he could launch The X Factor in the US, installing Gary Barlow as his replacement on the panel and effectively heralding the show’s decline). Ok, so Simon’s sometimes a quitter – but this isn’t one of those times, right? He may be stuck in a rut fashion-wise – those deep Vs and tent-like, super-confusing men’s boyfriend jeans now appear to have actually become his top layer of skin – but it’s clear he’s not afraid to shake up his show to entice viewers* to return. 

A deliciously deep v and his go-to leg tents…

So, what’s Simon’s latest genius idea to give The X Factor its, erm, X factor back? How does he plan to wrestle the Saturday night crown from Strictly’s spray-tanned hands? Simple: by turning The X Factor into Strictly Come Singing. Because, let’s not kid anyone, that’s exactly what his heavily rumoured celebrity version of The X Factor is. 

And do you know what? It might just work. Ok, he busted that move once before, in 2006, and it wasn’t a hit – but back then the main show was in its prime, so a spin off starring such legends as Chris Moyles, Gillian McKeith and James Hewitt was unnecessary. Now, the situation is critical, The X Factor has all but expired. 

One of the reasons The X Factor originally succeeded was because it was all about the singers. Back in 2004, few people really cared who those three so called experts (Cowell, Walsh and Sharon Osbourne) on the panel actually were. It didn’t matter. What mattered was the talented unknown singers and their passionate performances. 

But then Simon started getting greedy, adding judges – established, talented pop stars, and Cheryl Cole – and engineering feuds and fallouts on the panel. Inevitably attention started to stray from the contestants. And you know what? The moment the press starts speculating on what outfits the judges will be wearing (Simon not included: deep Vs etc), and not the contestants, you know the jig’s up. 

But, if Simon manages to book the right celebrity line up then the attention could once again turn to those screeching away on stage, rather than the four or five, or perhaps even six, ego maniacs sat out front on the judging panel. 

And then – (Leonard Cohen’s) hallelujah – the viewers* will ditch the dance floor and surely come flooding back. 

*advertisers

Lists

Lists. Who doesn’t love lists? Only:

• idiots

• fools

• morons

Despite this, lists rarely get the praise they deserve. It’s time for that to change, so here’s a list of the Top 10 lists. There are other lists of course but these are the only lists you’ll need…

1 Shopping lists

An oldie but still the best. Where would be without the humble shopping list? Hungry, probably, and therefore quite irritable and tired. We’d literally be listless. Doesn’t bear thinking about, does it?

2 To do lists

Truthfully, the trusty to do list would have beaten the shopping list to the top spot, if I hadn’t been compiling this list just before needing to go get some stuff for lunch. The to do list is a life-saver, a stress-buster and the ultimate way to kid yourself you’re being productive. What can match the satisfaction of slowly – and I mean very slowly – drawing a solid black line through another long-avoided task on a to do list?

3 Bucket lists 

A good way to manage your limited time on Earth is to spend precious hours collating a bunch of things that, just before you die, you can tearfully regret not having done. True, the bucket list is mainly the preserve of the over-privileged – the kind of people who simply won’t be able to relax until they’ve ascended Everest strapped to the underside of a Sumatran elephant – but that doesn’t mean the rest of us shouldn’t be able to dream. And that’s what lists do, they allow us to dream.

4 Shortlists

Shortlists are emotionally powerful things. Imagine you make it onto the shortlist for, say, the Nobel Prize in Physics – it would fill you with joy, pride and expectation. If, however, you make it onto a shortlist for, say, a sudden and unexpected round of job redundancies, it would fill you with panic, shame and gut-bubbling terror. Sometimes you’ve just got to stand back and admire the raw, untamed power of lists.

5 Hit lists

Hit lists are handy. It’s impossible to get through life without making one or two enemies along the way. You could even argue that our nemeses define us. Where would Sherlock Holmes have been without Professor Moriarty? Churchill without Hitler? Gargamel without the Smurfs? Which begs the question, shouldn’t the plural of Smurf really be Smurves? After all, the plural of scarf is scarves. And the plural of, erm… [Note to self: must make a list of other words that end with a single ‘f’.] Of course, famously, hit lists also provided the inspiration for Cuba Gooding Jr.’s 2011 action vehicle The Hit List, a movie that, rather unfairly, never makes it into any best of lists – but more about those later.

6 Blacklists 

A close cousin of the hit list, the blacklist is easily the most rock n roll list of all. Who doesn’t secretly want to be put on a blacklist for something? There’s definitely a certain cachet that comes with, for example, being blacklisted from a lame hipster bar for drunkenly trying to set fire to the giga-bearded barman’s distressed hemp dungarees. Seriously, wear any blacklisting like a badge of honour!

7 Best Of lists

When you unscrew a list, take the back off it and have a good root around inside to see how it works, you realise that all lists are essentially machines for saving you time. And best of lists do that very effectively. Why listen to all of Deacon Blue’s albums, which would take forever – believe me – when you could simply listen to The Very Best of Deacon Blue and emerge unscathed and still have plenty of time to rewatch Cuba Gooding Jr. in The Hit List? The main downside to best of lists is that they exist in the world of subjectivity. But that’s just my opinion.

8 Wine lists

On balance, wine lists should have made the top spot, but I totally forgot about them, due to events in a hipster bar last night. 

9 Checklists

“What’s the difference between a checklist and a to do list?” I hear you ask. Good question, feel free to congratulate yourself for asking it. Well, the checklist is a more formal, technical version of the to do list. Let me explain. The checklist is something a pilot might go through before releasing the handbrake and putting his or her foot down on a 747’s gas pedal. You know, stuff like, “Are the doors securely fastened? Check. Has all the luggage been thrown carelessly into the hold? Check. Do we have enough peanuts on board? Check.” Of course, there’s no reason why a pilot can’t go through a to do list as well, but, on balance, that’s probably best done in his or her private time.

10 Franz Liszt 

Ok, bit of a cheat this one but there’s little doubt Hungarian composer Franz Liszt should feature somewhere in anyone’s top ten list of lists. Arguably the world’s first rock star, 19th century classical king Franz was both a hit with the ladies and a generous philanthropist. I’m jamming now but he was surely also a fellow huge fan of making lists. One day I’ll make a Best of Liszt list…