Jon Snow

Stop trying to make me watch Game Of Thrones. Just stop. You’re wasting your time because I promise you, I am NEVER going to watch Game Of Thrones. 

I don’t care how incredible it is. It’s irrelevant to me whether it’s actually way more than just a show about ridiculously-named hairy guys hanging out with dragons, wolves and naked women. It makes no difference how many million people tweeted about its celestial amazingness during the season 8 opening episode. I don’t even care that the guy who writes it looks like Santa Claus. I’m never going to watch Game Of Thrones.

Believe me, it’s got nothing to do with a lack of time in my life. Over the last few years, for example, I’ve somehow found the hours to rewatch every episode of ‘Allo ‘Allo (actually amazing). I’ve even willingly wasted what must amount to days on terrible reality shows like Big Brother, I’m A Celebrity and even Love After LockUp (also actually amazing). According to the internet, it would take two days, 15 hours and 30 minutes to watch all 67 pre-season 8 episodes of GOT. Coincidentally, that’s exactly the same amount of time it would take not to watch all 67 pre-season 8 episodes of GOT. Which is what I’m going to do.

Let’s get one thing straight, I can honestly say my refusal to watch isn’t snobbery. That should be clear from the shows mentioned above. And there are many people I respect and admire who are confirmed GOT addicts. They insist it’s way more than just a show about ridiculously-named hairy guys, dragons, wolves, naked women etc. They tell me regularly I should definitely, definitely watch Game Of Thrones. I tell them regularly I’m definitely, definitely not going to watch Game Of Thrones.

Unfortunately, though, it’s almost inescapable. The first email I received this morning was from a PR announcing that the season 8 premiere has been the most-talked about GOT episode of all time. Apparently 3,857,823 tweets were posted discussing it. Good, that’s fantastic, it’s nice that people are passionate about stuff. But guess what? I’m passionate about not watching Game Of Thrones.

Two years ago, around the time HBO started defecating season seven all over the cultural landscape, I was so fed up with the constant Throning on Twitter that I found myself trying to block it by adding several variations of the show’s title into the muted words section of my account. I put in all the combinations and hashtags I could imagine. It didn’t work. In fact, just now I logged onto Twitter, hit the search icon and the main story under the ‘For you’ tab was some guff about a GOT character called Cersei! Below that, the first item on the ‘What’s happening’ list was a link to a bunch of GOT memes. ‘What’s happening’, Twitter? I’ll tell you what’s not happening, Twitter – I’m not watching Game Of Thrones.

Even in the real world Game Of Thrones is taking over. Quite apart from the inevitable ads and promotional campaigns that prod you towards watching, pubs are showing season 8 episodes live. Restaurants are creating themed menus. In the US, there’s been season 8 marketing collaborations between GOT and products as varied as Bud Light, Urban Decay, Johnnie Walker whisky, Oreo cookies and Adidas, who are cashing in with some limited edition trainers. And it’s all working because I’m totally planning not to drink Bud Light, eat Oreos or slap on some Urban Decay while I don’t watch Game Of Thrones. 

Obviously, none of this is Game Of Thrones’ fault. I realise it’s my problem. After all, how can so many millions of people be wrong? It’s Ed Sheeran’s favourite show, for Christ’s sake! He even appeared in an episode – and obviously what the world needs right now is more Ed Sheeran. 

Yes, I repeat, none of this is the show’s fault. After a period of self-analysis (two days, 15 hours and 30 minutes, to be precise), I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s the lazy assumption the whole world is watching GOT that really bothers me, rather than the show itself. The way almost every so called news website seems to think we’re all eager to have an endless jet of GOT-related content vomited into our brain-buckets via our screen-fried eyeballs.

And there’s so much of it! ‘The 38 times Jon Snow wasn’t really dead’, ‘The 12 ways the GOT opening credits might have predicted the Notre Dame fire’, ‘The one really naughty swear word you can make using just four letters from the name Sandor “The Hound” Clegane’, ‘The 27 best games that aren’t Game of Thrones’, ‘A list of 16 famous thrones’… It really is relentless, like you’re being beaten into submission by a sword-wielding hairy man riding a naked wolf. But incredibly, almost magically, the onslaught only hardens my almost spiritual resolve not to watch Game Of Thrones.

Yes, obviously I recognise the sky scraping irony in complaining about GOT saturation while throwing more Throne-dung at the i-wall but this is what I’ve been driven to. It’s cathartic. And until doctors find a cure for GOT, it’s all I’ve got. All I’ve GOT… Got/GOT. See, it’s everywhere! Even the English language is turning against me.

I’m still not going to watch it, though.